Stop Smoking Day 87 - Monday April 7th 2008

Still here and still not smoking. Hope everyone else is doing well too.

I went to the doctors today to get some more “happy pills”. I told him I felt better but that I still couldn’t be bothered to do anything. He said that was normal and he would expect things to improve over the next 4 weeks, and after another 4 weeks for things to be “as good as they’re going to get”.

I asked about coming off Champix too, as I’ve been on it now since 1st January. He asked if I felt confident that I could keep off the fags. I said that I was pretty sure I’d be OK, so I’m stopping the Champix from today. I’ve still got 6 days of Champix left though, just in case things go awry. I know how I reacted last time I stopped taking it, so I’ll be very wary.

You can never be totally sure of anything, but I’m as sure as I can be that I won’t smoke again. Of course, you never know what lies ahead in this life and anything could happen to trigger it off again. But, like I said, I’m as confident as possible that it won’t happen.

Saved so far £717.75

Stop Smoking Day 75 - Thursday March 26th 2008

Hi folks, yes I’m still here. Sorry it’s been so long but I seemed to lose my way a bit as far as this diary was concerned.

Anyway, I’m still not smoking and I think the depression is a bit better too. There was a comment the other day that nicotine itself was an anti-depressant. This got me thinking so I did a bit of research.

Sure enough it’s true. Without realising it, smokers are self-medicating themselves with an anti-depressant. It’s no wonder we feel miserable when we stop smoking and it explains why we reach for the fags when we are upset, stressed, etc.

I even read an article somewhere that recommended taking the very anti-depressant pill that I’m taking alongside Champix! If only I’d known that from the start, maybe it would have been a little easier. I think that people should be made more aware of this before they stop smoking.

As far as the smoking itself is concerned, I know I’m still not out of the woods. It still seems to me that nothing will ever be quite as good again.

For example, I was thinking that soon it should start to get a bit warmer in this country, with spring around the corner, closely followed by summer. It makes everyone feel better when it’s not so cold. But then I thought “but it won’t be so good being outside in the nice weather without a fag!”.

Another example was a friend (who smokes) said how great it was when he was on holiday recently (with the kids, etc) to get half an hour to himself with a cup of coffee and to read the paper. He didn’t need to mention the smoking, but it was implied. When I thought about myself being in that situation, I couldn’t imagine even wanting to sit down with a coffee and a paper if I couldn’t smoke at the same time!

It’s things like that that still make it seem so difficult. I’m sure you all know what I mean and I’d be interested to hear if any of you have had similar experiences and how you have dealt with them.

I’ll try and start writing a bit more often again now. Maybe not every day, but at least once a week.

Saved so far £618.75 (where is it all??!!?!)

Stop Smoking Day 62 - Thursday March 13th 2008

I've now gone for over 2 months without a drop(?) of smoke passing my lips. I think that's pretty good and I didn't really think I could do it.

I'm finding it difficult knowing what to write on this blog at the moment. My feelings are very mixed and confused so I haven't really got anything enlightening to say.

Earlier today, I thought to myself that I didn't miss smoking anymore, so I've just now got the depression to deal with. But then this evening, I felt that I really wanted a smoke! I then thought how nice it will be to eventually get to the point where you don't think about smoking all the time! I wish I knew when that time is going to arrive.

I hope everyone's still reading this and still off the fags. I'm sorry that I haven't been writing so much lately, but I think my state of mind has a lot to do with that. Hopefully things will start to improve fairly soon.

Stop Smoking Day 59 - Monday March 10th 2008

I've been to see my doctor this morning, and he diagnosed me with mild to moderate depression. It was a bit embarrasing actually, as I was almost in tears when I was talking to him. Feeling sorry for myself I suppose.

He said that depression tends to come and go in waves and that I could be at a peak at the moment. We could either do nothing, get some anti-depressants, arrange some therapy, or a combination of the last two. He said that the therapy would be more difficult to arrange and that it was perhaps an option to come back to at a later time if necessary.

He asked me what I wanted to do, and I said that I had been feeling so low that I wanted to do something about it. Therefore, I now have some anti-depressants to add to my increasing array of daily drugs. Apparently, they can take a couple of weeks to start taking effect so we'll just have to see how it goes. I have to see him again in 4 weeks to monitor progress.

I've just realised that I haven't even mentioned smoking in this post! Perhaps I should start a new "Depression Diary" or something!

I do still miss the smoking and there are times when I long for a drag. I don't miss the wheezing and having to stand outside in the rain though! I'm still waiting for that invention that feels the same as a cigarette, but isn't bad for you!

Saved so far £486.75

Stop Smoking Day 56 - Friday March 7th 2008

I have certainly been feeling much better over the last few days. I think it was a mistake to come off the Champix, and I guess I'll need to discuss this with my doctor. I mean, it's such a new drug, who knows what happens when you stop taking it?

I haven't been to see him yet. I was going to go yesterday morning, but I just imagined myself sitting there and telling him I was depressed. It made me feel a bit stupid so I didn't go. I know it's ridiculous thinking like that but it is a hard thing to do when you are faced with it.

I will have to see him anyway within the next couple of weeks, because I'll need some more Champix. I think I'll leave it until then to talk to him.

I had a great night out with the "lads" from work last night. We went to a pub and had a few pints while watching a UEFA cup match. Then we went to another pub but we didn't stay there long; it wasn't our sort of pub as it only had men in it! Then we went for a nice Indian meal and a few more pints.

I didn't think about smoking hardly at all, which is good. Also after a night out like that in the past, I used to feel terrible for the whole of the next day. However, although today I have a bit of a hangover, at least my mouth doesn't feel like total shite! I used to get through two whole packets of fags in just one night!

I am now almost certain that I will never smoke again.

Saved so far £462.00

Stop Smoking Day 54 - Wednesday March 5th 2008

I'm feeling a bit more cheerful today for some reason. I've discussed my depression with work colleagues, and they've now all arranged to go out on Thursday night for a few beers and a curry to try and cheer me up! That's nice of them.

Only one of them smokes, and he'll have to go outside with the law as it now is in this country, so that's alright.

I still think I'll try to see my doctor tomorrow morning though, as perhaps he can suggest something to help with lifting my feelings.

Saved so far £445.50

Stop Smoking Day 53 - Tuesday March 4th 2008

I went back on the Champix this afternoon. It got to the point where I was so fed up with everything, that I nearly went to get some fags. However, I didn't, and I took the Champix instead.

I think I'll go see my doctor soon about my depression. It's got to the stage where I've lost interest in everything except football. Luckily for me, there's some Champions League on TV tonight (Manchester United v Lyon) so at least I've got that to look forward to.

Stop Smoking Day 52 - Monday March 3rd 2008

Hmmm, yesterday was not so good and I'm not feeling too good today either. I'm wondering if the effects of the Champix have taken a few days to wear off, and if I felt less depressed simply because I had come off the Champix!

I'm feeling very down again at the moment and if it continues, I think I'll have to start the Champix again. I am getting rather fed up with this depression and can only hope that it goes soon.

Stop Smoking Day 50 - Saturday March 1st 2008

The last few days have been better than expected, considering I'm not taking the Champix anymore.

I am feeling some differences though, which are worth noting:

• I am nowhere near so depressed (very good).
• The thought of a cigarette no longer makes me feel sick (bad).
• My bowels seem to be returning to normal (good).
• I'm not getting vivid dreams (neither good nor bad).

So overall I'd say the effect of not taking the Champix is positive. However I must point out that I don't think I could have stopped smoking without it in the first place. It was just a case of not knowing when to stop taking it.

Saved so far £412.50

Stop Smoking Day 48 - Thursday February 28th 2008

The last few days have been much better for me, although I haven't had much time to write in this blog. I'm still here though so all is well.

I'm writing this "live" today, i.e. it's 10:45am on 28th February at the moment. The reason for doing it now is because I have a small problem.

I am staying away from home tonight due to work commitments. I packed all my stuff for the overnight stay, but what did I forget? My Champix! Of all the things to forget, it had to be my Champix. I first realised this morning at 10am which is when I normally take my morning pill, and it wasn't there!

So my only option is to miss the next 3 tablets (2 today and 1 tomorrow morning). I hope things will be OK, and if they are then maybe I can stop taking it permanently. If things aren't OK, then.....oh no!

........Update........

Things were OK for the day without the Champix. Well, at least I don't think I felt any different having not taken them. It's not easy to be sure though because I was always conscious of the fact that I hadn't taken them and it worried me a bit. Also I did go to bed rather early as I was bored, so the day was quite a lot shorter than normal! If I still feel OK by the time I get home tomorrow evening, then I think I'll stop taking the Champix.

Saved so far £396.00

Stop Smoking Day 45 - Monday February 25th 2008

A bit better today. Went to a football match this evening, and I always seem to find it easier when I've got something like that to occupy myself with, rather than just lazing around watching TV or something.

The general feeling now though is, not so much that something's missing, more that I'm missing out on something in life I found pleasurable. It's just such a shame that smoking is so damaging to your health. However, that feeling is still being outweighed by how much better I feel by not smoking so my resolve is still there.

I just wish I knew when I will start to feel "normal" again though. I certainly couldn't bear to go through the rest of my life feeling like this.

Stop Smoking Day 44 - Sunday February 24th 2008

I just discovered that you can put labels on your posts. I've had a go at doing this and the labels are now listed down the left-hand side. I'm new to blogging so if anyone knows of anything else that can be done that would be useful, please let me know!

I felt a lot better today. I saw a short video where someone took a drag on a cigarette, then without sucking the smoke into his lungs, he blew the smoke out again onto a clean white napkin. The napkin then had a nasty brown stain on it. He then did the same thing, but this time took the smoke into his lungs as a normal smoker would do. When he blew the smoke onto another clean white napkin, it was still clean!

What happened to the nasty brown stain? It was in the smoker's lungs, and that was from only one puff! Makes you think doesn't it?

Saved so far £374.00

Stop Smoking Day 43 - Saturday February 23rd 2008

Not a very good day today, well the evening anyway. My resolve nearly broke and I thought about going to get some. This is unusual for me at the weekend, it's normally worse for me during the week.

I think it's to do with this depression that's hanging over me again at the moment. However, I was depressed a while ago and I got over it, so I'm sure I will again.

The important thing is that I am still a non-smoker!

Stop Smoking Day 42 - Friday February 22nd 2008

I didn't write anything about yesterday, I never really got round to it. As it's now early evening on Friday, I thought I may as well write in today's entry and then finish it off later.

I've been feeling a bit down again over the last couple of days. Not sure what it is exactly, but I've just been feeling miserable. Also I can't seem to be bothered to do anything and I think I'm being a bit short with people. Sometimes I just feel like telling the whole world to **** off! Can anyone relate to that? It's not a very nice way to feel.

Stop Smoking Day 40 - Wednesday February 20th 2008

This evening after I'd had my meal and I was drinking some red wine, I thought about what it would be like to have a smoke. The feeling was there that I wanted something, which must be why I thought about smoking.

However, the thought of the smoke going into my lungs made me feel sick. I've mentioned this before in this blog, but it still surprises me that it makes me feel that way. I had heard other people mention it before, but I never thought I would feel that way. I wonder if it's the Champix?

Anyway, what it has made me realise is that I wanted something, but not a cigarette. That probably means that for all these years that I thought I wanted a cigarette, I didn't really want one. I think the cigarette plays tricks on us, making us think that we want one when we don't want one at all. It makes it easy to see how we become so addicted.

Now I must try to find out what the "something" is. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just because I've become so used to smoking that I expect there to be something else. Non-smokers don't think there's anything missing so I suppose it's just something we have to get used to now that we no longer smoke.

Saved so far £330.00

Stop Smoking Day 39 - Tuesday February 19th 2008

I've had many attempts in the past to stop smoking. Each time, I can clearly remember my thought process as I was smoking my "last cigarette". It was something like "Well this is it then, the very last cigarette I'll ever have....and this is the last drag.....yeah, right!"

It was always the same, I could never truly believe that I would do it, and I was always right. Well you may be surprised to know that when I had my last cigarette this time round, my thought process was EXACTLY the same. I didn't believe I could really do it, but now I'm starting to believe that I can and will.

Another thing is, I always dreamt of being able to say to people "If I can do it, anybody can". But I always thought that I was more addicted than anybody else so I would never be able to give it up. I think I was partly right, in that I'm not sure how anyone could have been more addicted than me. Perhaps if they smoke 60 a day or whatever.

I had got to the stage in my addiction where I would take every single opportunity to have a smoke. It was always on my mind. Stupid things like not parking too close to the entrance of somewhere (when I was with my kids) so I would have time for a smoke on the way from the car. I didn't really want one, it was just an opportunity.

I had a tooth extracted once and the dentist told me not to smoke for 24 hours or I would risk an infection. What a stupid dentist. How did he expect me to do that? Anyway it was well worth the risk wasn't it? Of course, I lit up as soon as I walked out the door. Actually, I think I walked past the window first in case he could see me, like I'm doing something "naughty". Ridiculous isn't it?

Well, if I can do it anyone can.

My Mum died 10 years ago today and I still miss her. She died of cancer aged 58.

Saved so far £321.75

Stop Smoking Day 38 - Monday February 18th 2008

Monday is normally a very bad day for me. Not the daytime, but the evening. However this evening has probably been my best Monday so far, in that I hardly thought about smoking at all. I think it's another breakthrough and that's the second time I've used that word in the last few days!

If you're a few days or weeks behind me, perhaps this will help you stay focused, in that you've not got too long to wait until you get to the same point that I'm at now. I know it's different for everyone, but I'm sure it gives you some idea of what lies ahead.

However, I'm still aware that there's some bad days to come, but I feel more prepared for them now.

Saved so far £313.50

Stop Smoking Day 37 - Sunday February 17th 2008

Another good day for me today, but like I've said before, weekends seem to be better for me. Unfortunately, that means I've got five more days to get through until the next one arrives!

I am not going to say it's getting easier, because when I've done that before it's kind of backfired on me. So let's see what the next few days bring before making any wild predictions!

Saved so far £305.25

Stop Smoking Day 36 - Saturday February 16th 2008

A good day today. Had a nice trip out to an "away" football match near High Wycombe (which we won 4-2!). My friend who I go with smokes, but it doesn't bother me at all. I even don't mind him smoking in the car because I know how I used to hate it when I couldn't.

Got home, read some football news on my team's forum, went on Facebook for a while, had some tea with some wine, watched Match Of The Day, watched a film, went to bed. All very nice and relaxing.

It was mentioned the other day that weekends seem to be easier for me. It's true and I think it's because during the working week, I get home in the evening and it's kind of like a big crash. What I mean is, I've been working all day, being fully occupied, and suddenly I'm home and relaxing. For me, that's a trigger, i.e. to accompany the relaxation I should have a cigarette.

Whereas at the weekend, it's all pretty relaxing. Or at least, it's all pretty much at the same level throughout the day so there's no crash as such. I hope I'm making sense!

Saved so far £297.00

Stop Smoking Day 35 - Friday February 15th 2008

Every morning, I used to have my breakfast (nothing much, just some cereal) and then have two cigarettes with my coffee. This was almost like a religion, even if I didn't really feel like having the second one, I still had to have it. It was as if something bad would happen if I didn't have it. How ridiculous is that!

Anyway, the reason I'm mentioning it is because I just realised this morning that I don't even think about those two cigarettes anymore! I think that's something of a breakthrough. Obviously I had to think about them to realise that I don't think about them, if you see what I mean, but you get the picture. Maybe things are looking up!

Saved so far £288.75

Stop Smoking Day 34 - Thursday February 14th 2008

Today was not so bad. I was helped immensely by all the comments from everyone, so thanks very much to you all. I hope that some of the things I've said on here over the last few weeks have helped some of you too.

I'm sorry if I've been a bit negative lately, but I think it just goes to show that it happens to all of us at some point, so we know we're not alone! The important thing is to get through those moments, and once you know you can do it, you'll be better prepared to face the next one if/when it comes.

Saved so far £280.50

Stop Smoking Day 33 - Wednesday February 13th 2008

I'm really struggling at the moment folks! I'm not saying I'm going to start smoking again, just that I'm finding it really difficult right now.

It's still this feeling of something missing that's getting to me. That's what makes me feel depressed. I suppose it's just a natural part of not smoking anymore, but it's not very nice.

However, I will persevere and I WILL NOT GIVE IN!

Saved so far £272.25

Stop Smoking Day 32 - Tuesday February 12th 2008

A few more pangs again today. I'm not sure if it's my imagination, but the pangs seem to be getting stronger lately. I thought this was supposed to get easier!

I was driving home from a football match this evening, and thinking about getting home. Then I got that horrible feeling that I think we all know about. There's something missing! It was like the "looking forward to getting home" feeling was meaningless, because ... there's something missing. "There's no treats to look forward to" I thought to myself.

I'm sure that this must be one of the main reasons for people failing in their quests to stop smoking. I mean, it can't be the nicotine can it? I'm not taking any Nicotine Replacement Therapy (Champix is not NRT) and all the nicotine is supposed to have gone in a few days and I haven't had any for a month now!

So what is it that causes this horrible feeling of emptiness? I'm afraid I don't know the answer, but I'm going to have a good think about it. The only thing I can think of for now is my "ex-girlfriend analogy" that I first mentioned in this blog some time ago. I suppose we get used to something and when it's suddenly not there we get an empty feeling, or a feeling that something is missing. I'm sure it will disappear over time, but I wish it would hurry up get a move on!

If I can think of anything else then I'll obviously post it on here. In the meantime has anyone got any ideas about it and how best to handle it?

Saved so far £264.00

Stop Smoking Day 31 - Monday February 11th 2008

Well that's one whole month without smoking so well done me, even if I do say so myself!

This evening was strange, in that I had some really strong urges to smoke again for some reason. I wonder how long it takes for those urges to disappear completely? I suspect that they probably never really go away. Although I think that if you get one in say, 10 years time, you would instantly dismiss it and almost laugh to yourself. Whereas the ones you get after only a month are rather more difficult to ignore.

I'd be interested to hear from anyone else regarding this, especially if you have manged to stop smoking for a good deal longer than me.

Saved so far £255.75

Stop Smoking Day 30 - Sunday February 10th 2008

I had a couple of pangs today, but I seemed able to control them without too much trouble. I must say again that it seems to be getting easier at the momemnt. I hope that continues!

Saved so far £247.50

Stop Smoking Day 29 - Saturday February 9th 2008

Oops, missed another day of blogging yesterday, sorry about that.

I'm pleased to say that I've been feeling much much better over the last couple of days. I've come to the conclusion that my depression was simply a normal process in stopping smoking. A bit like losing a girlfriend I suppose (an anology that I've mentioned before). However, this girlfriend was trying to kill me!

Looking forward to tomorrow, as Sundays always seem to be good days for me. I'm really convinced that I've finally "cracked it" and I will never smoke again. However, I must be careful not to get too complacent, as I know how easy it is to slip up.

Saved so far £239.25

Day 27 - Thursday February 7th 2008

Oh dear, a terrible day, but not because of the smoking I don't think. It all started after work when I was wondering what to do with myself that evening. There were things to do, but I just couldn't be bothered to do any of them.

Then I realised I was very very depressed. I thought about going to buy a pack of 10, smoking one and throwing the rest away. However , just the thought of the taste of the cigarette made me feel sick. I think that's a good thing, as I don't remember feeling like that about cigarettes before.

Earlier in the day, I had found a forum that discussed Champix (the drug I'm taking to help stop smoking - known as Chantix in the US). It was quite interesting reading about other people's experiences but one thing I noticed was that it caused depression in some people.

So what had made me so depressed? It was either:
1. Because I don't smoke anymore
2. Because I'm taking Champix
3. Because I had read that other people on Champix get depressed
4. Because of how I felt after seeing my doctor (see Tuesday's entry)
5. Other
6. A combination of any of the above

I don't think it's 1 because the thought of that made me feel sick. I decided it was most likely 2 so I decided to stop taking it. But then I changed my mind because I thought I might start smoking again!

So I just went to bed early in the hope that a good night's sleep would make me feel better again. I would like to hear from anybody who has any thoughts on this, or has suffered something similar. The good news is that I'm still smoke-free!

Saved so far £222.75

Day 26 - Wednesday February 6th 2008

Not a good day I'm afraid. I very nearly jacked it all in and had a smoke, I was desperate for one! I think it has to do with what happened yesterday, and I was just thinking "What's the point?".

But the important thing is that I didn't give in and I'm really pleased about that, or all this hard work so far would have been wasted!

Saved so far £214.50

Day 25 - Tuesday February 5th 2008

OK, I'm about to have a rant. Firstly I have to explain that I have mild angina, which means I have some of the arteries in my heart that are a little "furred", so the blood doesn't get through quite as quickly as it should do. One of the reasons that I thought I'd better stop smoking.

I went to see my cardiologist today, and I was excited about telling her I had stopped smoking. However she seemed very matter-of-fact about it and just seemed keen to move onto the next thing I must tackle. "You'll have to be careful what you eat and you must exercise more".

This was after telling her how good food tasted now: "I used to get home and have a cup of coffee and a couple of fags, now it's a cup of coffee and a couple of crumpets". Also I said I'd stopped getting any chest pains, to which she said: "You're living within the condition and I can't tell if I need to do anything if we don't know if you get pains when you’re exercising". In other words: "Get off your lazy ass and do something!".

Now, don’t get me wrong, she's absolutely right. But isn't it half the problem for us smokers? The professionals telling us to stop smoking have absolutely no idea what it's like and how difficult it really is, because they've probably never smoked before.

So I've come away really depressed, from thinking how well I'd done, to now thinking that I've got to start jogging/going to the gym/eating low calorie stuff, etc. One thing at a time would be good!

Saved so far £206.25 (wow!)

Day 24 - Monday February 4th 2008

I've been feeling a lot healthier since I stopped smoking. I've noticed my breathing is a lot easier for one thing. I used to wheeze a bit sometimes when I was trying to get to sleep, and I would continually try to clear my throat. Well that never happens anymore so I'm sleeping a lot better.

I've also noticed lately that I'm starting to feel more energetic (perhaps I shouldn't include the word "more", because that suggests I felt a degree of energy before!).

Another bonus is that food tastes so good now. Although I'll have to be careful because I'm eating a lot more, but I'm not putting on weight at the moment.

Sometimes when I really want a smoke (it happened again tonight while I was drinking some brandy) I think of those things and it helps me to resist the temptation.

I've now started to think that although I would like a cigarette and the satisfaction that goes with it, the consequences (i.e. the wheeze, the sleeping, the energy and the food taste) are too high a price to pay. And that's without thinking about all the other stuff like heart disease, cancer, etc. I suppose when there are visible benefits, it becomes easier to not smoke. I mean, all smokers know about cancer, but I bet most of them think "Yeah, but it won't happen to me". That's because they can't see it until it's too late.

It's a shame there isn't something that gives the same satisfaction as a cigarette, but without the health risks. If ever that was invented, it would make somebody very rich. Let's get working on it guys!

Mind you if I invented it, I wouldn't be surprised if the government kidnapped me and destroyed all my research. They would lose too much in taxes (especially in this country) and wouldn't be able to afford to pay the state pensions to everybody who would now live longer.

Maybe I watch too many movies.

Saved so far £198.00

Day 23 - Sunday February 3rd 2008

Not bad at all today. It must be something about Sundays because looking back, last Sunday was OK too. That was the day I said it was getting easier, but then regretted saying that the next day! Therefore, I'll refrain from making the same mistake and wait to see how tomorrow goes!

If Sundays are generally a good day for me, I'll have to try and think why. I would have thought it would be the most difficult as it is the day that I relax the most. Perhaps that's it, less stress? Who knows.

Saved so far £189.75

Day 22 - Saturday February 2nd 2008

I missed a day of blogging yesterday, only because I seemed to run out of time and never got round to it! I think I'll keep going on a daily basis for a little longer yet.

I was speaking to a work colleague just before Christmas who gave up in February last year. He said that he doesn't really think about smoking at all now. I asked him how long it took to get to that stage, but he couldn't really remember for sure.

I'm still finding that I think about it several times every day, and I'm wondering exactly when I'll get to the point where I get through a whole day without thinking about it once. I guess it's somewhere between now and 11 months time, judging by my colleague's comment. I suppose beteween now and then, I'll think about it less each day. I probably already do without realising it.

Saved so far £181.50

Day 20 - Thursday January 31st 2008

Not too bad today, apart from a few pangs in the evening. I always used to have a couple as the last thing I did just before I went to bed, a strange habit I know. I'm still finding it a bit difficult breaking that habit and I find myself thinking "Oh, I'll just go to bed then" and it feels a bit empty.

Soon, I might turn this blog into a weekly, rather than daily event. The reason is that I want to start thinking about smoking less and less, but doing this daily forces me to think about it every day at least once. What do you think? Shall I carry on daily for a while? I'm more than happy to continue that way if it's helping other people.

Saved so far £165.00

Day 19 - Wednesday January 30th 2008

I am not going to smoke today.

I've just added a link to my Facebook profile under "My Stuff" on the left. If anyone wants to have a look and add me as a friend, that would be great!

Well, it was much better today than the last couple of days. I know it's helped me by doing this blog, with you guys out there being an inspiration to me not to throw in the towel. I can't thank you enough. Even if you're only reading and not posting comments, I know you're there and you ARE making a difference.

Saved so far £156.75

Day 18 - Tuesday January 29th 2008

I'm finding it easier during the day and harder in the evening for some reason. I thought it would be harder in the day as I was used to breaks away from my desk at work to go for a smoke. Maybe it's not so bad in the day now because the new smoking laws means having to go outside where there's no cover provided. With the weather like it is at the moment, I'm certainly not missing getting cold and wet just for a smoke!

This evening I went to a football match. It was raining so everyone was together under a covered section behind the goal. There were quite a few smokers there so I kept getting wafts of smoke in my face. I found the smell quite nice actually, but it made me realise how inconsiderate it is for non-smokers who must think it stinks!

When I got home, I celebrated our fine 2-0 victory with a bit too much red wine. A fag or a cigar would have been such a nice accompaniment but I managed perfectly well without either, which is good.

Saved so far £148.50

Day 17 - Monday January 28th 2008

Well, isn't it strange. After saying things were getting easier, I had a pretty bad time of it tonight and I really wanted one. It wouldn't go away for ages and was awful. Why oh why won't this stop? At least I managed to get through it though which is a good thing.

I very nearly went to the shop for a cigar, but one of the things that stopped me was that not only would I be letting myself down, but also anyone reading this who is finding it inspiring.

Must keep going, hopefully it will be a bit better tomorrow.

Saved so far £140.25

Day 16 - Sunday January 27th 2008

A bit of an uneventful day really. I managed to keep myself busy for most of the day so I didn't think about smoking too much. I'll even dare to say, it's starting to feel a little easier at last.

When I look back on some of my previous posts, it reminds me how bad it was. I think when I've tried giving up before, I've forgotten how bad it was for the first few days and it just seemed like it wasn't getting any better. When you're able to look back it does prove that it gets easier, even if it is a slow process.

I've had a couple of comments about yesterday's "brilliant revalation" and it seems the general opinion is that it's not so brilliant after all! Oh well, I'll just keep plodding on.

Now that I know people are reading this, I'd be interested to know what folks think about my earlier ex-girlfriend analogy. If you missed it, I first wrote about it on Day 6.

I'd also like to hear from anyone else who's reading this and is finding it helpful.

Saved so far £132.00

Day 15 - Saturday January 26th 2008

I had a revalation today, but I'd be interested to know what anyone else thinks of it.

I think one of the worst things when you stop smoking is the thought of getting through the rest of your life without cigarettes. I think that only smokers will understand that feeling because it's not easy to compare it with anything else.

So I suddenly thought to myself "Why imagine it for the rest of my life? Why not just set a date that I won't smoke until?"

So I decided that I'll not smoke for one year. That doesn't seem so bad, I mean a year seems to go pretty quickly these days. So I can start smoking again on January 12th 2009!

Of course, I'm hoping that by the time it gets to that date, I won't want to start again. It just doesn't seem such a daunting task if it's only a year, rather than the rest of my life.

Is this a good idea or not? It certainly has made it seem a bit easier for me. What do you think?

Saved so far £123.75

Day 14 - Friday January 25th 2008

This is now 2 weeks since my last fag (sorry but that's what we call them in the UK. I know you may laugh if you're from the States, but hey, we think it's funny when you talk about fannies!).

Anyway, back on topic. Sometimes now I think I've done so well that it won't hurt just to have one. Well I know that's not true and "just one" would lead to "just another one, then yet another one", etc, etc.

I've given up before and rewarded myself by having a cigar. It came to the point where I would say to myself "I'll only have a cigar when I go to the pub for a drink". It wasn't long before I found myself going to the pub on my own on a Saturday afternoon for a drink, just so I could have a cigar.

Other times, I've decided just to buy 10 and keep them in the car and only have one when I'm driving. So all of a sudden, I developed a hobby of "going for a quick drive". It's totally ridiculous.

Now of course, it won't be so easy with the smoking laws so at least I won't be able to go to the pub for a cigar. That's a good thing I think.

Saved so far £115.50

Day 13 - Thursday January 24th 2008

Not much happened today really. I'm still having those "pangs" quite a bit, but I've decided that although it would be nice to satisfy that pang, I don't want to do it by having a cigarette. Doing that would just make me feel worse again, i.e. my cough would return, etc, etc.

Saved so far £107.25

Day 12 - Wednesday January 23rd 2008

I've been feeling a bit depressed today, and thought about having a smoke. But would a cigarette really cheer me up? The answer is it might for a minute or two, but then what? I'd be even more depressed that I had given in.

I've also noticed that my breathing has been a bit easier of late. I hadn't really noticed before, but I'd been clearing my throat quite a lot. Not coughing as such, you know, just a little (I don't know what to call it!). Anyway, that seems to have gone now and I don't want it back so no smoking for me then!

Saved so far £99.00

Day 11 - Tuesday January 22nd 2008

Just received my first comments! Thanks Donna, an inspiration to carry this on because maybe I can help someone else too!

My stomach feels a lot better today so I think maybe it wasn't a kidney thing after all, which is nice! (Still not sure what it is though, it still hurts a bit).

As far as the smoking is going, I'm still finding it quite difficult at times. I know for sure that one day I won't even think about it, but I just can't imagine that day at the moment.

At one point, I even thought "I've got a bad stomach, I'll have a smoke to make up for it"! That is just stupid, and it's the same old thing that's happened to me before when I've tried to give up smoking. I'm just looking for an excuse to start again! There'll always be reasons like that, but it's those moments when it's important to be even stronger.

I keep thinking of the ex-girlfriend thing still and I'm sure that it's helping.

Saved so far £90.75

Day 10 - Monday January 21st 2008

I didn't write much yesterday. This was because I got a really bad stomach pain and couldn't do anything. Couldn't sleep last night either but at least it took my mind off the smoking.

Went to the doctor's and he wasn't sure what it was but said it could be a kidney stone. It feels much better today but is still quite painful.

On the smoking front, I would still rather like to have one, but I won't!

I was hoping that this Stop Smoking Diary would be an inspiration to others but I'm not sure anyone's reading it. Oh well.

Saved so far £82.50

Day 9 - Sunday January 20th 2008

Well, I didn't give in yesterday in the end! Feeling a bit better today so let's see how it goes ...

Saved so far £74.25

Day 8 - Saturday January 19th 2008

This is horrible. I'm feeling on edge all the time and can't imagine that it's possible not to feel like this without cigarettes. I'd love to smoke just one, right now! Must not weaken ...

Saved so far £66.00

Day 7 - Friday January 18th 2008

Yesterday was a whole lot better than the day before, so I'm feeling very positive about today. I think the ex-girlfiend analogy is helping a lot. I don't know why I didn't think of it before!

At the end of today, it'll be one week since my last smoke which I believe is quite an achievement and one to be proud of.

It's the afternoon now and I'm struggling a bit again. I keep having those urges, can't wait until they go!

Still had some of those nasty urges this evening, but still just about manageable.

Saved so far: £57.75

Day 6 - Thursday January 17th 2008

Yesterday evening was terrible! I felt very depressed and couldn't be bothered to do anything. That's why I'm writing this today rather than yesterday. I feel a bit better today (although it's only 10am) so let's hope that yesterday was the peak!

It's now 14:30 and I just had a really bad craving. I was thinking of going to buy 10, just having a couple now and saving the rest for future emergencies. That would have been stupid wouldn't it?

Anyway, I had a cup of coffee instead and the craving seems to have gone a bit now.

It's the evening now and nowhere near as bad as yesterday. I was just watching something on BBC4 which had The Jam on it (a pop group from the 80s if you're too young to remember).

I immediately thought "I used to smoke then!". Now, I remember thinking the same sort of thing years ago when I had "lost in love", you know, you've been dumped and you see something and you think "I was still with her then". Everything seems against you and the world might as well end. Well it wasn't and it didn't, and when I think back to those moments now, I think what a fool I was.

Imagine if you could have got rid of those awful feelings by nipping down to the shop and buying her back for a fiver! Sure it would have solved the short-term problems, but I'm so glad I wasn't able to do it, as my life would have been so much worse in the longer term.

I'm now able to liken the experience to cigarettes. They've dumped me so I'll have to get over it and move on. So I will and my life will be better for it in the long-term.

Saved so far £49.50

Day 5 – Wednesday January 16th 2008

I’ve had some strong urges ‘just to have one’ today but I have resisted. Not sure how I’ve resisted but I keep thinking how crap I’d feel if I gave in. Earlier I felt dizzy, and read that it’s a normal reaction caused by my brain getting more oxygen than it’s used to!

I had a restless night last night and couldn’t get to sleep for ages so I’m tired today. It all seems to be getting worse rather than better! Maybe it will peak soon and then start to get easier again.

Saved so far £41.25

Day 4 – Tuesday January 15th 2008

The worst day so far for some reason. I felt on edge for much of the day and couldn’t seem to concentrate too well. Kept getting that stupid feeling that something was missing from my life.

Saved so far £33.00

Day 3 – Monday January 14th 2008

First day at work as a non-smoker, but had to see my doctor first to get a new prescription for my Champix. He nearly fell off his chair when I told him I’d stopped, but after he’d composed himself he told me that stopping smoking was the single most important thing I could do for my health and is way ahead of any medication I’m on.

The day went surprisingly well at work and I was pleased that I managed to get through it without being too tempted.

Saved so far £24.75

Day 2 – Sunday January 13th 2008

Not too bad today either. Managed to keep myself fairly well occupied which I think helps a lot. Went to bed a couple of hours earlier than normal again.

Saved so far £16.50

Day 1 – Saturday January 12th 2008

My quit day has arrived! It didn’t feel too bad not having my normal 2 cigarettes with my coffee this morning. I think that’s because I’ve been building up to this moment for a while now.

Went to a football match this afternoon with a friend of mine who smokes. It didn’t really bother me which was good.

Went to bed a bit earlier than normal. I think this was so I could get through the day without a cigarette quicker!

All in all, a satisfactory day and I’m well pleased with myself.

I used to smoke about 30 a day on average, and in the UK my brand is about £5.50. So already I've saved about £8.25!

The Build-Up

I’ve tried to stop smoking several times before with varying success. The longest I managed was 3 months but something happened and I went back on them again.

This time I’m more determined than ever to succeed and I think that writing to this blog may help, because if I fail I’ll feel like I’ve let everyone down who reads this (that is assuming that anyone will read it!). Also, perhaps I can help someone else to quit. If both myself and at least one other person quits because of this blog, then it’s all been worthwhile.

My doctor recommended Champix to me, which is available in the UK on prescription and is fairly new. In the US it’s known as Chantix. You continue smoking while taking it for a while (which I liked the sound of) and then stop at a chosen point in the second week.

My understanding of the drug is that it attaches itself to the receptors in the brain that nicotine normally attaches to. Therefore it means that even while you’re smoking, you’re not getting the full effect of the nicotine so it doesn’t seem so bad once you finally stop.

I took my first tablet on January 1st and decided to stop on day 12, simply because that would be a Saturday and I figured that would be easier for some reason. Incidentally, on the packet it says you should pick a day between day 8 and day 14.

I didn’t really notice any difference during the first week, but in the second week I noticed I was smoking less, simply because I had lost a bit of the urge. This was encouraging but I was hoping that it wasn’t just a placebo effect.